98 Days of Rolling

An Apology

Last night I enjoyed Roanoke’s open mic night, where students - many of impressive talent, some courageously oblivious to their lack of talent - performed songs, poems, and improv skits.

Kudos to my friend and favorite folk musician Daniel Osborne.

A lot of the people prefaced their performance with something like:

Well I haven’t picked up my guitar since senior year of high school. We’ll see how this goes.

or

I never read my poetry to anyone.

or

I just decided to do this an hour ago, so I’m going to be performing a Capella tonight.

It bothered me more than it should. I admire the fact that they are up on stage at all, but I don’t like it when people try to justify themselves or apologize before they have even done anything wrong. Just show me what you can do. Let your performance speak for itself.

And yet, here I am, finally pulling up a Word document, and the first thing I want to write is an apology for not being more diligent in my blogging over the last two months. I have missed writing; I’d like to think you have missed it too? So many good things have happened, and I have wanted to share them with you. The California road trip with my fun and spunky study abroad friends Tracey and Mariah will not go unwritten, I promise. It was too incredible to not translate into words. Things have been pretty crazy, though. Such is life, I suppose.

After being dropped off at the LAX airport on Saturday, I had a more-than-convenient layover in Houston, where my boyfriend Dan now lives. I stretched it out to be twenty-four hours rather than three so I could spend a little time with him before returning to school. On Sunday, I flew into Charleston around 10:30 pm, and I hit the road Monday morning at 5:30 to make it back up to Roanoke in time for class. I had two hours to scarf down some sustenance, read several poems, and complete a mini report before Seminar started. That was almost two weeks ago, and I have not really stopped since. 

That’s the thing though…I really like writing, but the extrovert in me would still rather pass my time with people than spend a day doing solitary activities. The same was true over winter break. I had an ambitious list of books I wanted to read, and I only ended up getting through a book and a half. I did, however, make time for over twenty friend get-togethers. So I'm sorry. I hope this is the start of a more regular pattern of blogging.

New Year, New Semester, New Life Philosophy

Now that I am back at school, I do not have the academic challenge that I faced in the fall, but I am still always doing something. When I was drowning in work last semester, I remember thinking to myself, “What the heck did I do with myself freshman year?! I had so much time.” Now that I have less classes, it is all coming back to me. I had fun. I immersed myself in campus life. I looked at the table tents in Commons and I took advantage of all the school had to offer. 

And now I can do it again!

As of late, that just had not been feasible. I was stuck in class or doing homework all. the dang. time.

But I declare - no more! I entered Roanoke as an 18-year-old thinking I would dive into Outdoor Adventures. I did homework instead. Academics should be a priority in college, but it's not all of college. By being so focused on school, I actually neglected another huge facet of my education. I will never be a lead guide in OA like I thought I would be four years ago, but I decided to take advantage of all the activities I can this semester, and my facial expression below is generally how I have been approaching them.

A YES attitude, my friends. A Let’s Do This, I’m Game, Bring It On philosophy. It can lead to feelings of exhaustion. It oftentimes puts you in situations that are intimidating, if not downright scary. So far, though, it has been really rewarding. 

I have not had an art class since eighth grade, but I enrolled in Ceramics pass/fail so I could try something new without being stressed out. 

I am spending a lot of time in here.

Of course, I still put a lot of pressure on myself, and it is way more demanding than I thought it would be. Every time I lift the lid of the 500-pound industrial bin filled with all that moist earthy potential, the clay challenges me. 

What will you make out of me, Jessica?

I don’t know! Stop it, alright? I’m just trying something new. Why are all my classmates so creative? What if mine sucks? I hate being bad at things.

But I refuse to be controlled by fear or the dread of failure. The whole point of this class is to re-learn an art that I used to love. I grab a hunk of that clay and start molding. 

I am also taking part in the OA assistant guide training each week so I can still learn how to lead in the outdoors. Hopefully I can apply that information soon after college. I finally went to kayak rolling clinic, which has been offered every Thursday night since I have been at Roanoke, but I never made it out. As I changed into my bathing suit beforehand, I both recognized and disregarded the inkling of fear knotting up in my gut. Stepping out of one’s comfort zone is hard. You almost guarantee the bruising of your confidence, and with physical activities, you run an equally high risk of bruising your body. I entered the Alumni Gym pool room with a smile and as much fortitude as I could muster.

It was a blast. With an enthusiastic teacher, I had rolled by myself before the end of the night. The following day I also discovered muscles in my hips that I did not know I had.  It is a strange sensation to intentionally capsize and surround yourself with water, something we humans were not made to be under for more than a few minutes. It certainly is not natural, and it is a little uncomfortable. But I assume eventually you get the hang of kayak rolling, and it prepares you for bigger adventures on a real river.

Last Saturday, that same bit of nervousness crept over me as I walked across campus through the early morning darkness. Over the last week I had gathered a rag-tag assortment of winter gear that I, as a warm-weather South Carolinian, certainly did not own. In three hours, I would be in a West Virginia winter wonderland: Snowshoe Ski Resort. 

I have been down-hill skiing once in my life on a middle school youth group retreat. I stuck to the bunny slope, so I don’t think that even counts. I don’t know when green trails became so steep, but as I peered down the first slope, this one certainly seemed more perilous than necessary for a beginner. What the hell am I doing? 

“You ready?” Chris, my patient and reassuring Roanoke guide asked me.

“Yep,” I half lie. “Just pizza slice. Got it.”

What the hell am I doing?

But I was off. I also was totally not in control and definitely did not pizza slice and of course ended that first run by crashing ungracefully to the ground, because how else is one supposed to stop? Thank heavens I did not run into a tree. I got awfully close. Twice.

I still do not understand how to fully control speed, and I am nowhere near mastering a hockey stop. As the day progressed, though, I improved, shifting my weight, leaning forward, drifting from side to side. I will be returning to the slopes.

Despite the challenge – or perhaps, more accurately, because of the challenge – all of these new activities have been rewarding experiences. With my extra time, I have also found myself enjoying power yoga, zumba, Insanity, and running. I am more diligent in my morning quiet times with the Lord. Some of my freshman residents and I have begun meeting once a week as a small group to read Mere Christianity together. I can go to evening lectures and partake in discussions over a beer at Theology on Tap. I now stop by friends’ rooms just to chat, or let my food digest over good dinner conversation as I linger a bit longer in Commons. I don’t like sports, but I even watched the women’s basketball game today.

On Thursday, the seniors celebrated the 100 Days 'til Graduation party hosted by Roanoke.

The joys of a small liberal arts college!

The countdown is officially on, and increasingly so, people ask me how I feel about graduating. I am content. I am excited about the future, so for that reason, I am glad I am nearing the end. But I love that I have this final redeeming semester to do all of the things I always wanted to do in college.

I have 98 days, and with them, I am going to metaphorically roll. Kayak rolling was (is) scary and new, but I did it, and I will keep doing it. The same goes for myriad other hobbies and activities this final semester. Tonight I am going to listen to the Kandinsky Trio. Soon I will be at the climbing gym and horseback riding.  I don’t want a day to go by that I have not "rolled" into in some significant way. Like rolling clinics, such moments are preparing me for bigger, potentially scarier experiences after graduation. This is the end of college. I have 98 more days to make it count.

Remembering MLK

Roanoke may not have given me the day off, but in celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I spent an hour reading and meditating on King's "I've been to the Mountaintop" speech, delivered in Memphis, Tennessee hours before his assassination. Below are a few parts that really stuck with me. I and millions more are grateful for his faithfulness and leadership at the height of the Civil Rights Movement. King has been dead for nearly half a century now, but his words are immortal. They are true, they are heartfelt, they are convincing. Most of all, they continue to spur us on to address and alleviate the many injustices that remain today.

It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in this world; it's nonviolence or nonexistence.

Bull Connor didn't know history. He knew a kind of physics that somehow didn't relate to the transphysics that we knew about. And that was the fact that there was a certain kind of fire that no water could put out.

Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness.

Let us rise up tonight with a greater readiness. Let us stand with a greater determination. And let us move on in these powerful days, these days of challenge to make America what it ought to be. We have an opportunity to make America a better nation.

Negroes in Albany, Georgia, decided to straighten their backs up. And whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it is bent.

Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop.

And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man! Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!!

Guest Appearance: Dealing with Depression

It's been a rough semester for my sister, Georgia.  She has learned a lot from it, though, and she asked if she could share her reflections on my blog.  Enjoy a post from my first guest writer and superstar sister!

Sometimes it is hard to point to the exact root of your emotions. People expect a list of reasons to validate the way you feel.  I think for too long I kept going through the motions, smiling every morning I rolled out of bed, and continuing to tell myself I could keep up the good front.  The death of a friend, broken relationships, the constant pressure from coaches and school, and a deep seeded sadness that I don’t think I could ever explain all played a role in this pit I was being sucked into, and I was stuck trying to claw my way out, but with every motion I made the hole got deeper.

            

           This year has been difficult. Probably the hardest ever. I am a serious fan of being in control of my emotions.  And that becomes a problem when you are faced with depression.  Half the time I would feel things and not know why exactly I was feeling that way.  That is something I never wish on anyone.  I was going through my journal yesterday and found a page that pretty much sums up where I was for a good chunk of this semester.

“I AM BROKEN. There is no other way to put it.  My heart is broken. So much of my soul feels dead.  I have a sadness I can’t shake.  For weeks I have been exhausted and drained because I can’t carry this weight.  I am in a dark place that only the Lord can bring me out of.  God I need you. I can’t do this by myself.”

Kind of scary? Yeah.  When I read that yesterday it was hard for me not to relive those emotions.  The most beautiful thing about being in such a dark place for so long is you are literally stripped of anything and everything you once depended on.  God is it.  He is your man.  Any light that shines is Him because there is a darkness so thick around you that God is the only thing that can pierce it.  Even though I was in the most pain and dealt with the most fear I have ever been faced with this year, I had a peace in the depths of my soul that I can only attribute to the Lord.  When you don’t have anything else propping you up, God pretty much takes the reins.

And take the reins He did.  When I was reluctant to trust the Lord when everything was going my way, he took everything away so I would. God has a special place for the brokenhearted.  He takes the tears that come far too frequently and holds you like a child - no matter how old you find yourself.  Even though this year has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined, I wouldn’t take it back.  God was the closest I have ever experienced Him, and if I had other things to cling to nothing would have changed in my life. I’m not trying to idealize depression; it actually is terrible- but God is the greatest, and His hand in any situation can change your life and change the way you look at other people. 

            So with that, I challenge you to go throughout your day today and look at people differently - try to understand where they may be coming from before your emotions get the best of you.  Remember that every person on earth is a child of the King, and that includes you. When the world gets the best of you, know that there is a love out there stronger than any other force in the universe, and it can be showered on you. That is pretty amazing if you ask me. So go out and change a life, you’ll never know the impact you can make if you don’t act. 

With Love,
Georgia Compton